Q.
“Hi I am a student here at BCC and this is my story.
I am currently struggling with envy after finally realizing that one of my friends (he doesn’t go to this school) is just much more talented and successful than me. For example, last year I was drawing a dog in my art class and some of the students were calling me hateful things and saying that “furry art” is disgusting, meanwhile, that said guy drew something similar to what I was drawing, and even more than that, but instead of receiving hateful comments, he got praise and love for it.
This was where my envy towards him started. My other friend would call me a “little kid” and would just not take me seriously whenever I mentioned Bluey around him, but the second the other guy said he loved the show, my one friend changed his whole point of view and even started loving the show just because that guy who he has a deeper and better friendship with likes the show but didn’t care when I liked it. I started to hate being around this guy for this reason. I began to notice that his life was better than mine. His home life is quieter, he gets better grades, he’s overachieving, better at art, has more friends, he’s optimistic, and his life is perfect!
I would do anything just to be in his shoes, even for one second. Back when I was still hanging out with him, I noticed how his hair looked better than mine, with it being long and straight. This caused me to damage my hair by straightening it every single day, just so I could gain some respect by at least looking like him, I slowly began to regret this and my envy for him kept growing and growing. I don’t know what to do.”
A.
Hi Bergen Artist!
I want you to see jealousy as an opportunity, not condemnation. To desire something we perceive to lack indicates a time for growth. Failure to recognize this leads to bitterness since we often view jealousy as an endpoint. For instance, how often do we find ourselves saying: “I’ll never be as beautiful/smart/talented/etc as ____.” Such thoughts illustrate a belief that the situation at hand isn’t subject to change. However, that’s usually not the case if we take action. Therefore, transform your jealousy into a goal.
First, acknowledge that you must make alterations in your life. Since you exhibit envy toward your friend’s “success and talent,” I want you to establish two things: 1) What do you want to be good at? 2) What actions can you take to achieve this?
For example, if you desire admiration for your art, then you must consistently practice. Come to peace with the subconscious dissatisfaction with your current abilities.
We can’t let insecurity dictate our lives. Even worse, is when we let these insecure thoughts direct our actions for change. This leads to irrationality. How does straightening your hair earn respect?
As you can see, often we’re willing to go to great lengths to avoid confronting our greatest fears. Superficial attempts to change will only reinforce the idea that jealousy is an endpoint since it appears that actions yield no success. It makes us feel worse about ourselves because it demonstrates failure. To solve this, adopt the following mindset: Don’t change, but develop.
Unlike change, developing safeguards our innate qualities that keep us distinct. Remember, we’re uniquely created—so all efforts need to reflect that. Therefore, improvement lies within recognizing our special gifts, not changing to conform. We don’t need duplicates of your friend. Not only would that decrease his uniqueness, but deprive you of your own!
Instead of straightening your hair, dedicate that energy to art. Each time you encounter a jealous thought: draw. Not only does this guarantee artistic improvement, but it attacks negative thoughts. How can you feel insecure while constantly engaged in practice? You’re in a state of improvement, which your brain will eventually recognize. In the meantime, if discouraged, tell yourself: not yet, but soon. This simple motto reassures that you’re not destined to fail—that’s only a choice. “Practice makes perfect,” is only a popular phrase because it’s truthful.
Remember, “goals” are synonymous with “achievements,” therefore, you have to earn them. Work hard and don’t get distracted by comparisons and discouragement!
—The Torch